3 tips for gaining momentum and moving forward with life.
In 1989 Dolly Parton gave an interview about her new movie Steel Magnolias, I was two.
Many years later as a thirty-something woman wasting time on YouTube, looking for a way to be ok living a life that may not include children, I stumbled across her interview.
She said,
“I try to use everything I learn, every heartache every bad experience, every good experience and try to let that be wisdom and knowledge and let that be used for something better and channel it into something good rather than to be bitter about the bad things that happen. Everything can’t turn out exactly right. You have to look at it as if it probably was exactly right, if you look at what it is and what you were supposed to learn from it… I tried. Don’t apologise for trying.”
1. Accept that accepting reality is a process.
Things we never want to happen, happen to us. Being a part of this world, we can’t escape the bad. At some point I had to put a stop to the endless mind game of ‘why’s this happening, and why’s it happening to me?’ This world is broken, everyone can sense that something isn’t right and investing all my energy in analysing had three ultimate outcomes; anxiety, depression and bitterness.
Getting to this point will probably look very different for everyone, but for me, slowly, bit by bit, I was able to come around to the idea life is what it is and no one can escape it. But, there is a life to be lived, and a good one at that. I had to look at my situation as something that I could use to take me somewhere.
2. Explore the idea of ‘doing something with the pain’.
Something productive, something that at least makes life a little bit better for someone else whose going through the same thing. It took me a really long time to find anything slightly positive about this journey.
For years the only thing I could think of was “I have deep empathy for women who’ve gone through this”. I’m sorry to say that I also had the realisation that until this point I hadn’t thought much about the struggles of infertility. But as it usually happens, until something happens to us personally and directly, I think it’s hard to truly appreciate the experience.
Understanding that I’m capable of ‘doing something with the pain’ doesn’t necessarily mean we’re ready to take any action. Action requires vulnerability and that can be a difficult ask after years of being emotionally unwell and guarded. But there’s hope…
3. Pursue the stories of other childless women.
I thought wow if Dolly’s way of speaking about disappointments and learning from them had such an impact, who else is out there to learn from? It was in that moment that I learnt the value of learning from women who came before us. Women who created something constructive out of the situations they found themselves in.
Corrie Ten Boom – a woman who survived a concentration camp in her middle age and went on to do amazing things. Joni Erickson Tada, quadriplegic since a teenager and whose strength is remarkable. Elizabeth Elliot (not childless) – whose husband was speared and killed by tribesmen in the jungles of Ecuador. Spoiler – she went on to live with that tribe and forgive the men that killed him.
The idea that women who had their own trials and obstacles in their respective generations, overcame suffering and hardship that reminds me I’m not the first person to every go through something painful.
Looking at other people’s trials is not to take away from our own experiences, everyone’s struggles, and griefs are unique and its never a comparison game. Its not comparison but it is perspective. Women in every generation have found a way through with hope, tenacity, courage and optimism. It’s a beautiful thing. Thanks Dolly.
Being unable to have children is a unique pain that's both gut-wrenchingly grieving and often misunderstood.
Unless you've been down this road, it can be hard to understand the experiences of women that have. It's also hard to find someone to talk to who understands and won’t try to 'fix' things that can't be fixed.
I work with childlessness not by choice and infertility affected women, as well as other reproductive griefs. Helping women to come to terms with what's happened and the what may lay ahead.
If you're ready to talk to someone about what’s been going on for you, book a FREE 15-minute call to discuss your needs. You can decide if us working together is a good fit for you.
Comments