Strategies to Maintain Healthy Boundaries as You’re Grieving and Trying to Conceive.
Many women are heavily grieving the fact that another Mother’s Day has come around again and their arms are still empty. Thank goodness this day only comes around once a year, how could we handle it more often?
We’ve all seen the social media posts that so sensitively address all the reasons why Mother’s Day isn’t a happy day for many, I’m grateful for them. We know the reasons vary widely from person to person, but the thread of grief runs through the hearts of us all.
Maybe you’ve never been able to see that positive double line, or maybe your first pregnancy was a success but everything since hasn’t worked at all. Recurrent miscarriages, the stuff of literal nightmares, is the daily experience for so many women.
The grief of the losses of infertility are huge and individually unique. They weigh on us like bricks on our chest. The wind get’s kicked out of us every single month. How can we face the future?
Infertility battles can look different for everyone, no matter how short or long, the intensity is searing. It’s the slow burn of stress and grief that really gets us, I think. Like a slow internal bleed, we can get along well enough for a time, and then we reach our breaking point. Then maybe another break. The years feel like they’re moving on without us so panic can start to overwhelm us if we’re not careful to recognise it and take a step back when we need to.
Please know that on this infertility journey, you’re not alone.
You matter and your worth doesn’t depend one bit on being a mother. I know it feels like it does. I know it feels like ‘life isn’t worth living if I can’t be a mum’. ‘Where is my purpose?’ ‘What’s my life’s plan?’
You matter because you’re you. Nothing that your body can or can’t do changes that fact. You have something valuable and beautiful to contribute to this world.
I’m glad we’re starting to see such a shift in focus on social media, that posts are becoming more compassionate and sensitive, but it doesn’t mean spending time on social media in the week leading up to the day is a good idea.
I know that you feel your heart racing when you see anything connected to Mother’s Day.
You see the gifts in the shops,
You see the greeting cards when all you wanted was your magazine,
You see another pregnancy announcement online, just in time for the kicker event…
What is a good idea is spending time preparing your game plan for how you’re going to manage your heart and soul as this loathed holiday approaches.
So lets get our thinking caps on and brainstorm ways to survive this Mother’s Day, and not just survive but to know that you are in control of the ship, you know where you’re going and what you’re doing.
Here are 4 Ways to Survive Mother's Day with Infertility
Step 1 - 3 weeks out:
Plan something enjoyable and fun for you and your partner to do on Mother’s Day. Think about locations and venues that will be unlikely to attract families or have a mix of all kinds of people together. Movies, the beach or a fancy restaurant? Whatever you choose, low budget or high doesn’t matter, so long as the focus on the day is a mutual interest that sparks some joy, you’re on the right track.
Step 2 - 2 weeks out:
Think about what, if any, family or community events you might be expected, or feeling pressured to attend. Think about how you can minimise your attendance or not go at all if you don’t feel comfortable. Make a plan to let people know you won’t be coming (if that’s what you choose). Let your partner know now that they must take care of getting a gift for their side of the family.
Step 3 - 1 week out:
Think about any extended family; aunties, grandmas etc. that you’d like to send a little picture or meme to. Focusing attention on women that had a positive impact in your life is healthy way to direct your energy around this time. It can help send messages that say e.g. “happy aunties day” etc. to totally shift the days focus from being about mothers only, to being about them as an individual.
Step 4 - 1 day out:
Take social media off your phone for the next couple of days. You love your friends but you don’t need to see the gifts they got and the places they were taken for brunch.
Read more posts like this here.
Being unable to have children is a unique grief that's both gut-wrenchingly grieving and often misunderstood. Mourning the losses of your fertility and everything you’ve gone through on your journey is really important and often a need that’s hidden from society.
I know it can be hard to find someone to talk to who understands and won’t try to 'fix' things that can't be fixed. Most of us are past the point of toxic optimism by this time.
Mourning the losses of infertility is a complicated task but it can be done well and leave women feeling free and ready to move forward into a hopeful future.
AP Counselling is for Women who are Childless after; infertility, secondary infertility, IVF and Circumstances of Life. Being Childless Not By Choice is not a death sentence. It affords us an opportunity to take a step back, evaluate everything that’s happened so far and move forward with
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Big hugs to you on your journey.
Anna
AP Counselling
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